Back in the past, I had a friend that always accompanied me wherever I was... Often, I cry back there because I felt that I'm alone. Even when my teacher try to stop me, I continued to cry over and over again. But because of her presence back there, I manage to survive. To continue on living, with a false hope that one day I will not be alone. But deep in my heart I know, one day, I am the one who will destroy this friendship, shattered her heart and make her the one who was to be blamed...
Fortunately, despite what I always said to myself that day not gonna arrived, without knowing the consequences or realize what I've been doing to her, it's already happen. I try to ask myself, what in the world did I do wrong until she despise me and does' not be able to look at me or even talk to me. But until now, I didn't get the answer.
Knowing our best friend, our childhood friend is hurt, that was mind breaking but knowing that we is the one who hurt them is more frustrating ever. I try again and again apologized to her, she said she already forgive me, but still why she didn't dare to look into my eyes at all. Am I that painful to her until she decide to hate me even on the surface she told me, I've already been forgiven...
I know I'm an outspoken person that sometime in her eyes I can see she is hurt whenever I talk to her.But why now??? When we in the verge of truth happiness she started to show me the hatefulness that she had been kept in her heart like eternity. I know all I did is hurting you and sometime I even didn't realize that it is you who have been hurt..
If everyone ask me what my wish right now, I just wanted to say if God give me one more chance the only thing that I want to do is fixed this heartbroken feeling. I will apologized to you again and again even if it's mean sacrificed everything that I had.
But I couldn't do that. Because of my shamefulness to face you or even to say sorry to you, that tortured clenched and fisted my heart into a fist that sometime I felt my heart is not mine anymore. I felt regret and humiliated, exaggeration and sometime hate to myself because the three word that can change our life is not that reliable anymore.
But still I would not give until I passed away, because I will keep trying until I know you've forgive me. I know the chance for you to forgive me is maybe does not reach 1%, but surely genuinely with all my heart and soul, no matter what you said or wronged about me, you always be in my heart, whether you like it or not.
If you read this, I want you to know, what I was before is so stupid and I'm sorry. I know you can't forgive me that easily since I've been hurting you again and again until your heart cannot be fixed again. But for ever reassured, that no matter how hard for you to forgive me, you always my friend forever and always.
And for the people who read this, Please appreciate your friend. Even they hurt us, please appreciate them. Because when without even noticing it, they already gone. So whatever you guys do, don't ever be like me. Even if it's mean risking your life, just accept the consequences because I know to keep the bonding still is painful enough that sometime we feel like dying. But, no matter one it is worth it for.
"Friends is like a balloon, once we let go they will never come back. Eventuate we can find them everywhere, in our heart we still know that the one that captured our heart is the first person that always be by our side."
If you will accepted me as your friend again, genuinely
Forever yours...
-Takeshi Ren-
